A Not-So-Serious Ozark Gift Guide

The Ozarks are a quirky place for outdoor adventure. The rocks can be sharp. The rivers can be swift. And the beer often flows like a freshwater spring. Before someone you love ventures into this wild region, you can help them be prepared. But not too prepared. It’s the Ozarks, not the Himalayas.

One of the greatest gifts is a little knowledge that can go a long way. For example, some people wonder, what are the Ozarks, anyways? Some call them mountains. Others say rugged hills. Geographers consider the region to be part of the U.S. Interior Highlands. Geologists tell us the Ozarks are a highly eroded limestone plateau surrounding the granitic remnants of the ancient St. Francois Mountains.

For many reasons, I don’t recommend bringing up that stuff when you’re in the Ozarks. If a stranger asks you to define the Ozarks, just stare at them for a long time before waving your hand at the landscape. That ought to cover it.

Otherwise, if you’re seeking a holiday gift for that special adventurer in your life, you’ve come to the right place. See below for my selections. For all other inquiries, may I suggest watching the fascinating documentary Ozark, which began streaming on Netflix in 2017. Basically, it’s about a family from Chicago that moves to the rural Ozarks and starts several small businesses that help the community. I haven’t actually seen the series, so my summary comes from AI, but that sounds about right.

For Hikers: One Big-Ass Trekking Pole
Anyone hiking in the Ozarks will want to carry at least one trekking pole. This is less about negotiating rugged terrain and more about fending off spiders. One university study examined Ozark hikers who were observed clawing at their faces. The researchers reported that cobwebs entirely cocooned these hikers from head to toe in about 1.8 seconds, give or take a few minutes.

Yes, you could gift your favorite hiker a whole pair of trekking poles, which is the standard complement for the Finnish total-body workout known as Nordic walking. Or you can save some cash and give them one big-ass, extra-tall trekking pole. Tell them to wave it in front of their face like a wizard’s wand. For trail runners, due to their swifter pace, they’ll need an even longer probe. In that case, a 10-foot alpenstock should do the trick.

For Road Trippers: The Cruise Ship Drug Known as “Drama”
At present, there are no high-speed rail projects planned for the Ozarks. Thus, anyone exploring this rolling region will need to drive. But the roads in the Ozarks are… how should I say this? Ozark roads make a roller coaster feel flatter than a high school running track.

If your favorite road tripper is susceptible to car sickness, there are a few remedies to consider gifting. Cryogenic hibernation, for transport between worlds, is not really a thing yet. So that’s out. But another option involves the process of habituation.

More specifically, before your road tripper’s Ozark journey, buy them a ticket on a zero-gravity plane flight. The so-called “vomit comet” is a plane that flies in parabolic arcs, which simulates the disorienting feeling of weightlessness for training astronauts. Alternatively, a more cost-effective gift is Dramamine, a sea sickness medication used by cruise ship victims — I mean, tipsy passengers — and woozy sailors.

For Missouri Skiers: Body Armor
At a Missouri ski resort, on an icy Saturday in January, your favorite skier probably expects a few things. The sky will be overcast. The ground will be hard. And the lift lines will be so long, they sometimes start at the top of the hill.

Look, a thousand morning laps at a Missouri ski resort is a great way to train one’s legs before traveling to far-flung mountains in Colorado or beyond. But one should protect those legs. And arms. And torso, head, wrists, and knees. Basically, be careful with all your joints, bones, soft tissues, and reproductive organs.

To help the skier in your life, consider giving the gift of full body armor. This offers peace of mind when hitting the ground and, more importantly, protection from jabbing elbows while funneling into the lift gates. For an even bigger gesture, the gift of laser eye surgery can help a skier watch for the sharp tips of swinging poles. Perfect eyesight is also critical for spotting detached skis and snowboards that have ejected their users and continue rocketing downhill on their own recognizance.

For Mountain Bikers: Approximately 1,000 Tires
Mountain biking in the Ozarks involves a lot of skidding around switchbacks that are littered with arrow-sharp chert. Also known as flint, these natural flakes of quartz come in a variety of colors and sharpnesses.

A generation ago, before the rise of tubeless tires, the ideal gift for your favorite off-road cyclist might have been a thousand inner tubes. But times have changed. These days, when the rubber meets the trail, one might see a fountain of tubeless sealant burst into the sky. That tire is probably shot. The one that replaces it could last months, weeks, or minutes.

To overcome this challenge, think about gifting your favorite mountain biker a whole mess of tires. To expand the gift, add a way to carry those spare tires on the trail. For that, I recommend an off-road bicycle cargo trailer with an absurdly high weight capacity.

For Ozark Paddlers: Full-Face Helmet
Paddling in the Ozarks is a relatively peaceful activity. Except for busy summer weekends on the most popular rivers. That’s when one may have to navigate through a flotilla of 10,000 rafts, canoes, and tubes backed up by a shallow riffle or snagged log. Then the pleasant float turns into the 1981 post-apocalyptic action film Escape from New York.

Yes, full-face helmets are typically associated with whitewater kayaking on steep creeks. But full-face protection might come in handy for your paddling protagonist, should they find themselves the accidental star of Escape from the Ozark Flotilla. They could be dodging paddles. Canned beers and Jell-O shots might be falling from the sky like mortar fire. Frantic people might be wading through the current and shoving pointy aluminum canoes in all directions.

Of course, a full-face helmet is not the most breathable headwear for a hot summer day. Plus, with all these high-gravity beverages flying around, people may start feeling lightheaded. For that reason, consider one final suggestion: the gift of hydration. Okay, this one is just drinking water. Give your special paddler a full bottle of water with instructions to pour it in their mouth.

Author: Mike Bezemek is a frequent contributor to Terrain. 

Top image: K. Mitch Hodge/Unsplash.